A day at the beach

CORAL BEACH

Most often, heartbroken people are unknowingly grieving a loss or trauma rooted in childhood or adolescence. That's because we tend to fall in love with people who remind us of those who cared for us—even badly—when we were young and totally vulnerable. We become childlike when we feel securely adored, letting go of all inhibition. The failure of adult relationships is often caused by the dysfunctions we internalized as children, and the devastation we endure when we're rejected almost always opens ancient wounds, making us feel as bereft as an abandoned little kid.

If you ask yourself how old you feel when you're in the worst throes of heartbreak, you'll probably find that a surprisingly low number pops into your head. Whatever the age of your grieving inner child, it's your job to comfort her, as you would help a toddler or a teen who had lost a parent. Do small, practical, caring things for yourself: Listen to a song that helps you grieve, schedule a play date with your best friend, wrap a soft blanket around yourself and let the tears come. Most important of all, give your childish self the chance to talk. Open your journal or visit your therapist, and let yourself express your anger and anguish in all its irrational, immature glory.

As you do this, you will almost certainly find yourself grieving losses you suffered way back when, as well as the one you've just endured. This is good: It means that you are finally progressing beyond ways of thinking and acting that didn't work for you early in your life and still aren't working today. Acknowledging and comforting that younger self is absolutely essential to easing your pain, recovering from your wounds, and finding new sources of healthy love.

Study Question #2: What Did My Lost Love Help Me Believe About Myself?
Look back on the time when you were falling in love, and you'll realize that though much (or some) of your time with your lover was fabulous, the relationship made you happy even when the two of you were physically apart. The really potent part of love is that it allows you to carry around beliefs about yourself that make you feel special, desirable, precious, innately good. To graduate from Heartbreak Academy, you have to learn that neither your ex-beloved nor the fact of being in love invested you with these qualities. Your lover couldn't have seen them in you, even temporarily, if they weren't part of your essential being.

Make a list of all the things you let yourself believe when you saw yourself mirrored in loving eyes. Write them as facts: I'm fascinating. I'm beautiful. I'm funny. I'm important. Realize that you chose to believe these things in the context of your relationship, and now that the relationship is over, you have another choice: either to reject a loving view of yourself or to believe the truth.

But, you may say, what if these positive things aren't really true at all? What if the truth is that I'm hopelessly unlovable? Well, let me remind you that when you believe you're an insignificant bird dropping on the sooty gray pavement of life, you feel unspeakably horrible. On the other hand, when you opt for believing what love once taught you about yourself, the core of your despair is replaced by sweetness, however bitter your subsequent loss. I say, use what works. Self-concept is a self-fulfilling prophecy: When we let ourselves believe that we're wonderfully attractive, we act wonderfully attractive. By letting yourself believe the most loving things your ex ever said about you, you can get rid of the bathwater but keep the baby, honoring and preserving what was precious in your relationship, while letting go of the pain.

How to Love More by Caring Less

Loving without caring is a useful approach—I'd venture to say the best approach—in most relationships, especially families. If you think that's coldhearted, think again. It may be time you let yourself love more by caring less.

Real healing, real love comes from people who are both totally committed to helping—and able to emotionally detach.
Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be.

Creating ways to be happy is your life's work, a challenge that won't end until you die. We'll come back to that in a minute. For now, the goal is just to try believing, or merely hoping, that even if all your loved ones remain toxically insane forever, it's still possible you'll find opportunities to thrive and joys to embrace.

Sanity begins the moment you admit you're powerless over other people. This is the moment you become mentally free to start trying new ideas, building new relationships, experimenting to see what situations feel better than the hopeless deadlock of depending on change from someone you can't control.

You can be happy either way, so what do you care? You have the freedom to live and let live, to love and let love. Granting yourself that freedom is one of the healthiest, most constructive things you can do for yourself and the people who matter to you. And if you disagree, I truly, respectfully, lovingly do not care.

How do you get your nearest and dearest to change their behavior? Simple: Stop giving a damn what they do, says Martha Beck.

Time to let Go

Ever been in this position? A lot of us have and it is a very difficult position to be in. It is hard to hold on to something that you know is weighing you down, and preventing you from living a healthy positive life, but at the same time it is hard to just let go of someone that you hold so dearly to your heart. There is no right or wrong answer to this equation presented in many of our lives, and everyone's situation though similar, is different and unique.

Try to remember why you are holding on to this person, are they encouraging and uplifting your life, or are you just holding on to this person because you are trying to remain loyal to promises that you made to them and to yourself. If you are holding on just because you are too loyal, too scared, or just too used to being with someone, know that you are a special person, and that yout deserve to be treated as such. Never let your circumstances hold you back from your dreams, and remember to make the best decision for yourself and your happiness, and no one elses's, we have to be a little selfish sometimes!


“Pain will leave you, when you let go”
― Jeremy Aldana

The Other Rules for Seeking Your Soul (and Its Mate)

I would encourage anyone who wants to find a soul mate to follow these three steps, which I call "The Other Rules."

1. Know Thyself.
Women who are willing to hide or detach from their real selves in order to bag a man often seem to believe that the right guy will give them a sense of identity and self-confidence. This is backward. Looking for love before developing a strong sense of self is like trying to find the mate of a shoe you've never seen.

Next time you're feeling fretfully single, try exploring your own nature: Write down your favorite foods or colors or songs or books or sports. Visit a therapist. Embark on a voyage of self-discovery for its own sake and because it is on that journey that you are likely to bump into the perfect traveling companion.

2. Value Thyself.

The single women I know are frequently advised, "Stop being so picky," "Have a better attitude," and "Lower your standards," perhaps to the point where they'll date anyone with a penis and a pulse. I believe this is precisely the wrong approach. Why? Consider our statistical friend, the bell curve. The great bulge in the middle represents areas where you are, well, average. This is also the part of you that could easily be mixed and matched with the largest number of potential mates. The skinnier upper end represents your greatest gifts, the areas where you are most talented and extraordinary. The few people who share your most exceptional characteristics are your tribe, the population that is most likely to contain your heart's partner.

I suggest that you should be pickier, less accepting and more committed to the "bad attitude" that will make you seek people who are extraordinary in the same way you are. Be courteous to men who don't appeal to you, but for God's sake, don't waste your evenings—let alone your nights—with them. "Oh," conventional rule-keepers might exclaim, "you'll have to spend some nights alone!" Yes, indeed. Your pool of candidates is much smaller at the high-quality end of the bell curve, your chances of having no date on Saturday much larger if you refuse to go out with men who bore or repulse you. But if memory serves, the boredom and/or repulsion of bad dating is much worse than spending a few hours on your own.

3. Engage Thyself.

The authors of The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right emphasize that in order to get a guy, a woman should always act busy—for instance, when a desirable man calls, it's wise to set a timer to go off a few minutes later, then recite a memorized exit line, such as "Sorry, gotta go. I have a million things to do." Here's my crazy idea: How about actually having a million things to do? How about actually filling your life with interesting activities? If you want to attract a partner, identify what you love to do, and do it—a lot. Involved, busy people really are more attractive, so if you want to get engaged to your soul mate, start by being engaged in activities that fascinate you—especially those that have nothing to do with dating and that make you forget to go love hunting.